Last updated 13:39, Wednesday, 23 July 2008

Alice still has the marks on her neck from where she was strangled to the point of unconsciousness.

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Controlling: ’I was black and blue but I always came up with an excuse for the bruises and was always trying to justify what he was doing’

The marks are years old.

This didn’t just happen once. Neither did the name calling, the punching, the kicking, the slapping or the biting.

The physical abuse she endured left her with bruises to her face and body and countless other injuries – broken ribs, her nose broken so badly three times that she had to have surgery to help her breath, being hit over the head so many times that she has to wear hearing aids because of the damage to her hearing, and being stabbed in the back with scissors.

The perpetrator of these horrific incidents was her partner, the man she loved for 15 years.

As a result she has tried to commit suicide three times and will never be able to trust a man in a relationship again.

But it is not just the physical scars that Alice has been left with after years of domestic abuse.

Almost six years after she finally walked out on him, Alice still bears the lingering pain from the emotional effects of what happened.

It all started with the occasional push and shove and Alice didn’t think anything of it.

They had moved in together not long after meeting in Carlisle, and then had relocated to the Caribbean for his work. It was here that things escalated and Alice can now see the methods used by her abuser.

She said: “He was going through a divorce so I just put it down to the stress of it all. It was so subtle. He gradually broke down my confidence without me realising.”

She felt helpless and isolated, living away from her family and friends and as things started to get worse there was nowhere to run, even if she had wanted to.

“He had put the passports and tickets in a bank safe that I didn’t have access to,” she remembered.

“I was in love with him. I lived in anxiety and fear, but he made me feel as if everything was my fault so I was always trying to please him and do things better.

“When you are constantly told that you are worthless and stupid, you start to believe it.”

With her confidence and self-esteem at rock bottom, Alice felt it was easier to take the beatings.

She said: “I was black and blue but I always came up with an excuse for the bruises and was always trying to justify what he was doing.”

It was during this time that Alice remembers the heartbreak at the deaths of her two dogs – at the hands of her partner.

In two separate incidents he murdered each dog, one right in front of her.

Alice said: “When I came home one day he said that he had just tapped Vicky with a stick because she had peed in the house but she had died.

“Another time he killed Grem right in front of me. I couldn’t show any emotion.

“There has been a lot I have had to hide over the years.”

Alice now knows that one common technique used by abusers is to isolate their partner and hurt someone or something close to them.

In the three years they lived in the Caribbean, Alice came back to England only once while her partner made the trip three or four times. She didn’t work and didn’t have any friends.

She became pregnant while they were still there and although she says she wasn’t physically abused while pregnant, the threat was always there as he said that he would throw her down the stairs. Meanwhile, the emotional abuse continued.

They did move back to England before the birth of their son, living in a cottage in a small village near Stratford-on-Avon.

After Alice gave birth she stayed in hospital for five days, despite being asked by medical staff when she was going to go home.

She said: “I kept being asked when I wanted to go home but I wanted to stay there – nobody said anything.”

On another occasion in an appointment in hospital about surgery to her nose to help her breath she noticed a leaflet on a noticeboard in the waiting room about the Duluth model, which was designed to address the issue of domestic violence, and a list of questions about your relationship.

“I answered yes to almost all the questions,” she said. “It suddenly dawned on me that I was the victim of domestic abuse.

“I took the number and carried it in my diary in code. I thought that if I needed it I could ring.”

The consultant at the hospital noted signs of trauma to her nose but didn’t ask any questions.

“It was a window of opportunity for someone to pick up on the signs or for me to say something,” said Alice. “But the doctor just moved on and I had this chance taken away from me. I didn’t want to say anything because my son was in the room.”

In 2000, while living in Warwickshire, Alice’s partner tried to strangle her and started to bang her head against the pavement outside their home. A neighbour called the police.

“I was terrified and wouldn’t press charges,” she said. “He was so angry. People were starting to become aware of what was going on, so we had to move.”

By this time Alice had confided in her family about some of the abuse, something which had a huge impact on them. Her sister sent her a pair of earrings and hid the number for the Women’s Aid charity under the packaging.

“She was at a loss over what to do,” said Alice. “She found it hard to understand why I couldn’t just leave him.”

Alice and her partner and young son moved to Canada the following year and it was here that the authorities were made aware of the situation.

Neighbours had called the police after Alice had run out of the house in her bare feet in the freezing cold after her partner had beaten her and tried to strangle her.

She said: “I was terrified. Things were out of my control. He had said that if anyone found out he would kill me.”

Alice refused to go into a refuge and her worst fears were realised when, one lunchtime, when she was expecting her son to come home for lunch as usual, he didn’t return.

He had been taken from his school by the authorities and was placed in foster care.

“I was shocked and angry,” said Alice. “He was only eight-years-old. I was told that I wasn’t protecting him by not going into a refuge.”

Alice’s partner was arrested in December 2001 and spent four months in prison before being released and deported back to England.

They all travelled back together and settled in Worcester.

Alice said: “He had contacted me from prison through a third party even though he wasn’t meant to and from this moment the control started again and we all returned together.”

Walking away from this relationship was never going to be easy.

Back in England one of her son’s teachers had picked up on him talking about living with foster carers in Canada and so she contacted social services.

“My partner was furious,” said Alice. “That night he beat me up. He said I had to get social services off our back. That was it. I knew I had to get out with my son.”

Her son had been stealing, Alice is sure because he wanted the police to come to the house, and her partner said he would kick him out of the house when he turned 16.

“I knew I had to do something so I phoned social services,” said Alice. “By this time I hated him. He had knocked all the love I ever felt for him out of me.”

She was told that if she didn’t leave the house social services would initiate care proceedings so they went to a refuge.

The date is still clear in her mind – September 4 2002.

After three weeks in the refuge they returned to Carlisle.

“It felt like being released from prison,” she said. “I knew I would never go back to him.”

But this wasn’t the end of Alice and her son’s trauma. Coming to terms with the past is a long and difficult process.

She has suffered from depression and mental health and alcohol problems and as he knows where they are she lives in the constant fear that he will carry out his threats to come and visit her.

Despite this, Alice has started to rebuild her life.

Throughout the whole relationship she had not worked, but she now has a job.

She said: “Working is helping me to build up my confidence again. I had got so used to not trusting my own judgement.”

Alice’s son has seen and heard things no child should ever experience, including sexual abuse, and Alice has also had to deal with his resulting emotional and behavioural problems.

Alice wants to tell other women that they don’t have to suffer in silence and tell someone what is happening – there is help available for people suffering domestic abuse.

Domestic Abuse Support was set up in Carlisle in 2005 with support and funding from Carlisle Housing Association and has helped more than 35 people.

Alice said: “When you hear the stories of others in the group it is as if we were all in a relationship with the same man.

“Don’t suffer in silence. I know it takes a lot of courage to pick up the phone but tell someone what is happening to you.”

For help and support contact domesticabusesupport@gmail.com or call 07963549032 or 07752060407.

n Names have been changed to protect identities.